A client recently gave me a wonderful book for my library titled Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirschenbaum. This book features diagnostic questions which you can ask yourself to help you determine whether you should stay and work on your marriage or leave your marriage.
Diagnostic question #5 is this: In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you both like…?
No? Nothing but the kids to keep you together? But shouldn't that be enough?
No, says Kirschenbaum, who writes:
If you and your partner do not have a shared activity or interest, consider sitting down with your partner and creating an inventory of favorite activities and interests and find places where there's a match. Then make a commitment to do these activities together at least once a month. Preferably without children in tow.
Diagnostic question #5 is this: In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you both like…?
No? Nothing but the kids to keep you together? But shouldn't that be enough?
No, says Kirschenbaum, who writes:
Children aren’t glue and shotgun weddings don't work out. You probably know people who had kids in the hopes that it would pour some cement into the shaky foundation of their marriage. We all root for that to work, but we all know how often it doesn't. Children will keep you connected, that's for sure, but is not the kind of connection that has much to do with your love for each other. People fall in love and make a bond before there are children and they have to stay in love after the children have left home; if you want to look first sign of life (in your marriage) you've got to look beyond the children for it.This diagnostic question is important even for couples who do not have children. Shared activities are important to a marriage, even if it's just preparing a meal together. These activities give couples a chance to share, to talk, and to engage in something that both parties find pleasurable or entertaining. Shared activities and interests can be a key bonding agent provided both parties take equal pleasure in those activities.
If you and your partner do not have a shared activity or interest, consider sitting down with your partner and creating an inventory of favorite activities and interests and find places where there's a match. Then make a commitment to do these activities together at least once a month. Preferably without children in tow.
Flickr photo by Mr. Thomas
