The Ties that Bind

A client recently gave me a wonderful book for my library titled Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirschenbaum. This book features diagnostic questions which you can ask yourself to help you determine whether you should stay and work on your marriage or leave your marriage.

Diagnostic question #5 is this: In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you both like…?

No? Nothing but the kids to keep you together? But shouldn't that be enough?

No, says Kirschenbaum, who writes:

Children aren’t glue and shotgun weddings don't work out. You probably know people who had kids in the hopes that it would pour some cement into the shaky foundation of their marriage. We all root for that to work, but we all know how often it doesn't. Children will keep you connected, that's for sure, but is not the kind of connection that has much to do with your love for each other. People fall in love and make a bond before there are children and they have to stay in love after the children have left home; if you want to look first sign of life (in your marriage) you've got to look beyond the children for it.

This diagnostic question is important even for couples who do not have children. Shared activities are important to a marriage, even if it's just preparing a meal together. These activities give couples a chance to share, to talk, and to engage in something that both parties find pleasurable or entertaining. Shared activities and interests can be a key bonding agent provided both parties take equal pleasure in those activities.

If you and your partner do not have a shared activity or interest, consider sitting down with your partner and creating an inventory of favorite activities and interests and find places where there's a match. Then make a commitment to do these activities together at least once a month. Preferably without children in tow.

Flickr photo by Mr. Thomas

“Unnatural and Undervalued”: Childless in Australia

The title of this recently published article out of Australia pretty well sums up the findings around the stigma and perception of childlessness: ‘Unnatural’, ‘Unwomanly’, ‘Uncreditable’ and ‘Undervalued’: The Significance of Being a Childless Woman in Australian Society.
And while I agree with their findings, I was disappointed to read that the co-authors Stephanie Rich, Ann Taket, Melissa Graham and Julia Shelley based their observations on interviews with only five childless Australian women (please, it’s a large country, surely there’s a few more women out there to interview!).

Small sample aside, I was interested that they did note one important curiosity—that childlessness for women is considered normal at young adulthood but “abnormal’ for women in their late thirties or early forties. So true!

So why does childlessness move from being perceived as normal to abnormal over the passage of say ten or fifteen years? Is the assumption of the “maternal instinct” so prevalent that we are all expected to be a mother or in baby lust by a certain age, and those that are not are then seen as “abnormal”?

Or, is it that while some folks can understand why a woman or man would wish to postpone parenthood, there is very little sympathy or understanding for those who indefinitely delay parenthood, or very publically opt out altogether?

I suspect is may be a bit of both, as is noted in the abstract for this article:
“While childlessness is increasingly acknowledged, it is still not completely understood.”

Where is the “understanding gap” in your experience?

Flickr photo by Amandabhslater

Is Your Love Conditional?

As we make our way into the year 2012, I think about all of the crazy New Year's resolutions I have made or failed to make and I think of the one question that is occupying my thoughts these days:

To What degree Is My Love Conditional?

The photo above does so much to illustrate just how we make our love conditional--conditional on someone else stepping up to the plate, or changing, or doing something that we feel shows us their love and respect.

What if, even for one day or one week, we truly loved unconditionally? How would that change our world?

Flickr photo by Massdistractions

Change is Hard but We Do it Anyway

Alfred Alder 1879-1937

“It is the feeling of inferiority, inadequacy and insecurity that determines the goal of an individual’s existence.”

Alder and Sigmund Freud were colleagues in the Vienna Psychoanalytical Society but Alder never bought into Freud’s theory that humans were primarily guided by the unconscious mind. Alder believed that birth order and what he termed the “inferiority complex” played a significant role in the development of the human psyche and that even very young children consciously seek power in their world.

Alder believed we are motivated by our goals and our perceptions of ourselves, factual or not, and he understood that a singular fixation on a goal and our beliefs or “fictions” about ourselves and the likeliness of achieving that goal can make us intractable and resistant to change. He wrote: “The hardest thing for humans to do is to know themselves and to change themselves.”

Yet millions of people are seeking to do just that through coaching. Change can be hard but the motives to change can be so great that the person is driven to do something different and break a pattern of thought and/or behavior. A hundred years after Alder was developing and lecturing on his theories, we are finding pathways as individuals and as a society to embrace change and examine and discard the “fictions” that keep us stuck.

I think Alfred Alder would be very proud.

Are the Childless More Likely to Divorce?

Are the childless more likely to divorce? This was the question posed to me by Vicki Larson, a journalist for Huffingtonpost.com, recently, and it gave me the opportunity to clarify.

She contacted me because she wanted to know why childless couples are more likely to end up divorced than couples with children, and this is how I responded in the subsequent article titled article titled “Are Childless Couples headed for Divorce?”

"Not all the childfree are intentionally childfree couples," Scott discovered…"A good chunk are postponers, those who delay parenthood."

Sometimes couples delay to the point that fertility problems arise. "Then the question of ''When should we have kids?' morphs into 'Should we have kids?" Scott says, forcing couples to explore other ways to have a baby, such as adoption, surrogates or in vitro fertilization (IVF). That, she says, can be extremely stressful and can lead to a fracture that a couple can't get past. In fact, many infertility specialists recommend marital counseling.

"If one partner desperately wants to try to have a child and one partner might not put as high a priority on it, that could be a deal breaker," she says. Often a couple hasn't discussed what point they stop trying -- how much money, how much time, how many procedures. Many women often feel like failures and feel less close to their partners; for many men, the fertility process can turn sex into anything other than pleasure. "I hear from men who say, 'This isn't fun anymore. I feel like I'm sperm on demand,'" Scott says.

What I wanted to express is that childless couples are childless or childfree thorough different pathways--either they have:
1) Intentionally delayed parenthood by taking actions to prevent conception; or
2) Tried to have a child but have not yet conceived, are infertile, or haven’t tried that hard (note the recent media focus on sexless marriages); or
3) Have had a child through live birth or adoption and have lost that child; or
4) Intentionally decided not to have biological children and remained childless through deliberate actions to prevent conception, or through termination of a pregnancy.

If you are childless because of 1), 2), or 3) and you and your partner are not on the same page decision-wise, or in a different stage or mourning or acceptance on the issue of children, there is a risk of a fracture. And if you are childfree because of 4) when both partners had agreed on remaining childless but one partner has since changed his or her mind that can be a serious issue too. In any case, it’s stressful, more so because you have a choice, unlike parents who already have kids and can’t take them back to the store for a refund.

So yes, the childless are more likely to divorce, some because they separate before the kids come along and are thus are not motivated to stay together because of the kids, some because they can’t agree on the number or timing of children, and some divorce for the same reasons couples who have kids get divorced: incompatibility, infidelity, emotional or physical abandonment, whatever.

So can you say that the childless have higher rates of divorce because they don’t have kids? I don’t think so. But I think you can say that some childless couples divorce because they are at odds about how they feel about not having children.

Flickr photo by madmolecule

The Today Show Explores Life without Children

I have been invited to join The Today Show crew on Tuesday, July 26 to explore how and why an increasing number of Americans are ending up childless by choice or by circumstance.

I have spent the last 6 years exploring that same topic through my book Two Is Enough and the soon-to-be released documentary The Childless by Choice Project, and what I can say is that more people are recognizing that they do have the choice to remain childless if they wish.

Parenthood is not inevitable or fated or necessary to enjoy a purposeful and fulfilling life. The people who are embracing a life without biological children know this but their peers, friends, and family sometimes don't believe it is possible to be happy without kids of your own.

This is one of the challenges as I coach couples and individuals on their reproductive decision making. They want to be confident that they are making the right choice for themselves if they choose to remain childless but it's tough when people are second guessing you all the time.

So I am pleased that The Today Show is willing to take an honest look at how and why people make this decision and is willing to explore the stigma that still exists around the choice to remain childless.

I will also be a guest on the NPR radio show On Issue with Ben Merens on Monday, July 25th at 6 p.m. EST. Call in if you have a question. I'd love to talk with you about your reproductive decision making!

You Have to Be Wrong to Learn How to be Right

In the final season of Oprah’s famous talk show she invited back on the show the chastened author James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces. This book, sold and promoted by the author and publisher as a memoir, and chosen by Oprah for her book club, was proved not be as true as advertised. The media thrashing that resulted prompted Oprah to publically castigate Frey as a way to deal with her feelings of embarrassment and anger and drove Frey to flee with his family to France for a few months.

Oprah’s intention when choosing to invite James Frey back on the show in her final season was to apologize for what she called her “lack of compassion.” Frey was grateful saying “that’s very big of you” and went on to explain how he had learned from the experience and how it had impacted him and has influenced his decision making as a successful independent publisher.

“I know I was wrong,” he said, “but that’s what you’ve gotta do sometimes, to learn to be right.”

I was so struck by the wisdom of this statement that I immediately wrote it down. It reminded me what my boss had said to me when I was working as a time management and productivity coach. He said “adults learn by making mistakes.” So right! In fact I think we learn so much more from our mistakes than from our successes.

Oprah knows this and so does James Frey and by the end of this show they were laughing and celebrating the mistakes they had made. So….what mistakes do you have to celebrate?


Flickr photo by Chris Campbell

I Promise it Won’t Hurt!

People who are considering hiring a coach sometimes fear that we’ll be mean or judgmental. Ouch!

In fact it’s quite the opposite. Certified coaches go through hours of training in order to learn how to curb the judgments and empower our clients using positive energy, encouragement, and support.

Perhaps it is a bit of the residual stereotyping that happens when people hear the word “Coach.” Maybe you had one of those mean coaches in pee-wee softball who sent you to the bench with a few disparaging comments, like “you throw like a girl!”—I am a girl! Or maybe you had previously hired one of those old world trainer/consultant types who happened to be a former marine drill sergeant and was having a hard time getting out of the habit of telling his charges what to do and how many times to do it.

Years ago, I was a time management and personal productivity coach, an associate in a network of Priority Management Systems coaches. When I would visit my clients in their offices, I would identify myself as Laura Scott from Priority Management Systems, but to my dismay some receptionists would use the acronym. It pains me still as I recall the times the receptionist or secretary would announce my arrival by buzzing the client’s office and announcing, “The PMS lady is here!”

Ouch!

Flickr Photo by Bionicteaching

Giving Is Good for You!

In hard economic times like these is natural to want to tighten up the budget and to monitor your discretionary spending. But I'm going to suggest something that might seem at first glance counterintuitive but is in keeping with the universal law of abundance.

Don't stop giving to charities or those in need!

It doesn't matter how much you give. It could be $5.00 for someone who is short of cash in the grocery line. It just matters that you give something. Why? Because when you give without fear you are reminding yourself that have enough, and you are trusting that money and opportunites will continue to come your way. You are broadcasting abundance!

This spring I gave up my golf club membership and I didn't sign up for another round of Zumba classes and instead I made a commitment to myself to sign up for charity walks and golf tournaments.

Today I've signed up for a golf tournament that benefits a trust fund for the grandchildren of a friend of mine whose son recently died of ALS. Last weekend I signed up for an MS 3K walk/run and the next day I went to a silent auction/fashion show to benefit one of my favorite charities. In the silent auction I was the sole low bidder for a months membership at Golds Gym and a chinese massage, all for the price of a $40 bid!

So I'm back to zumba classes, and those along with the golf tournaments, charity walks/runs and long power walks along the river trail (free!) my body is fit and will be so appreciative of the chinese massage I've booked next week!

Flickr photo by K@ja http://www.flickr.com/photos/the_whatsit/

Stop the Advice!

I am reading a chapter a day of Wayne Dyer's book Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life. It's a mediation on the chinese philosopher/teacher Lao-Tzu's writings called the Tao Te Ching or The Great Way and at the end of each chapter Dr. Dyer presents a invitation to practice "the Tao Now."

This is what I read this morning:

Do The Tao Now Spend an hour, a day, a week, or a month practicing not giving unsolicited advice. Stop yourself for an instant and call upon your silent knowing. Ask a question, rather than giving advice or citing an example from your life, and then just listen to yourself and the other person. As Lao-tzu would like you to know, that's "the highest state of man."

Or woman ;-). As coaches we strive to do just that, every day. It's not easy. It's sometimes very tempting to just jump in while a client is talking and provide a quickie solution or a nugget of advice. But the best process for change and the best advice and wisdom comes from the client's own process of discovery and discernment. Coaches are simply the facilitators in this process. We ask the questions. You provide the answers.

Could You Give Away your Stuff and Go Homeless for a Month?

Te-Erika Patterson, editor of mysavvysisters.com is doing just that for an awareness and fundraising project she calls the Rebuild Your Life Project. After giving up her home and belongings she will spend a month on the street in her home state of Florida and her efforts will raise funds for The Homeless Voice Shelter in Hollywood, Florida.

Why is she doing this?

“While I am living in the streets I plan to teach strategic lessons for rebuilding your life and developing the attitude for success,” Patterson explained. “Although this time I am choosing to be homeless, many are homeless due to circumstances. Many women fear the thought of losing everything and never make a move toward their dreams because of this fear. I hope to teach women that the things they own do not define them and how their biggest fear of an extreme life transition, if it ever happens, could be a blessing that sets them free.”

Follow Te-Erikas Blog and follow her progress on this project. I am sure you will find it inspiring!

No Fear!

No Fear! I see this bumper sticker a lot. I wonder why this person defaces their cool looking car or truck with a sticker. What fear lives there that this bumper is designed to ward off?

Fear of death? Fear of injury? Fear of failure? Fear of judgment?

What about fear of life?

If we really embraced life and all the experiences life brought to us, would we fear anything?

Which reminds me of a another bumper sticker: It's all Good! Or, It's all God!

Flickr Photo by Yaelbeeri